Parenting truly is the toughest job you’ll ever love, and it’s definitely easier to get through those rough patches when you’re armed with a good sense of humor! The following comedians have been there, done that, and they’ve got the jokes to prove it! Check out 20 funny parenting quotes from famous stand ups and a few up-and-comers you may not have heard of (yet!).
01 of 20
Jerry Seinfeld
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont’ have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
02 of 20
Jim Gaffigan
matriciu/Imgur
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” - Jim Gaffigan
03 of 20
Jr. Williams
jrstandsup/Reddit
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.” - Jr.Williams
04 of 20
Louis CK
Huffpost
“If you’re with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can’t go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fking ahole.” - Louis CK
05 of 20
Ray Romano
Rich Polk/Getty Images
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” - Ray Romano
06 of 20
Nathan Timmel
ntimmel/Reddit
“My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.
She’s about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she’ll be my little Rain Man.” - Nathan Timmel
07 of 20
Ari Fishbein
Fish93/Reddit
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons… like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’” - Ari Fishbein
08 of 20
Rita Rudner
Ethan Miller/Rita Rudner
“I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” - Rita Rudner
09 of 20
Keith Alberstadt
Keith Alby/Reddit
“I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest. It’s my favorite.’ ‘This one was the result of a long night of drinking.’ ‘This one came out a little darker than I expected.’ And so on.” - Keith Alberstadt
10 of 20
Nate Smith
radstore/Reddit
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” - Nate Smith
11 of 20
Steve Ryan
MotherFratellisLabia/Reddit
“I’m totally ’that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” - Steve Ryan
12 of 20
Samantha Ruddy
samantharuddy/Reddit
“If I ever have kids I’m going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I’ll be like, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’ and then I’ll make them watch Bambi.” -Samantha Ruddy
13 of 20
@Funnymantiefel
loki2002/Reddit
“Here’s a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that’s what.” -@Funnymantiefel
14 of 20
Alan Cox
Stand-Up Comedy/Pinterest
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.” - Alan Cox
15 of 20
Phyllis Diller
Bettmann/Getty Images
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” - Phyllis Diller
16 of 20
Judd Apatow
Kris Connor/Getty Images
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” -Judd Apatow
17 of 20
Conan O’Brien
John Sciulli/Getty Images
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” -Conan O’Brien
18 of 20
Will Ferrell
Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images
“I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, ‘Upstairs now!’ ‘Brush teeth!’ ‘Lights out!’ There is so much chaos you can’t really take the time to articulate.” - Will Ferrell
19 of 20
Chris Rock
Ethan Miller/Getty Images
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.” - Chris Rock
20 of 20
David Letterman
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“I’m too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it’s just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I’m sure that will pass.” - David Letterman
Parenting truly is the toughest job you’ll ever love, and it’s definitely easier to get through those rough patches when you’re armed with a good sense of humor! The following comedians have been there, done that, and they’ve got the jokes to prove it! Check out 20 funny parenting quotes from famous stand ups and a few up-and-comers you may not have heard of (yet!).
01 of 20
Jerry Seinfeld
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont’ have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
02 of 20
Jim Gaffigan
matriciu/Imgur
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” - Jim Gaffigan
03 of 20
Jr. Williams
jrstandsup/Reddit
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.” - Jr.Williams
04 of 20
Louis CK
Huffpost
“If you’re with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can’t go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fking ahole.” - Louis CK
05 of 20
Ray Romano
Rich Polk/Getty Images
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” - Ray Romano
06 of 20
Nathan Timmel
ntimmel/Reddit
“My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.
She’s about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she’ll be my little Rain Man.” - Nathan Timmel
07 of 20
Ari Fishbein
Fish93/Reddit
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons… like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’” - Ari Fishbein
08 of 20
Rita Rudner
Ethan Miller/Rita Rudner
“I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” - Rita Rudner
09 of 20
Keith Alberstadt
Keith Alby/Reddit
“I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest. It’s my favorite.’ ‘This one was the result of a long night of drinking.’ ‘This one came out a little darker than I expected.’ And so on.” - Keith Alberstadt
10 of 20
Nate Smith
radstore/Reddit
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” - Nate Smith
11 of 20
Steve Ryan
MotherFratellisLabia/Reddit
“I’m totally ’that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” - Steve Ryan
12 of 20
Samantha Ruddy
samantharuddy/Reddit
“If I ever have kids I’m going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I’ll be like, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’ and then I’ll make them watch Bambi.” -Samantha Ruddy
13 of 20
@Funnymantiefel
loki2002/Reddit
“Here’s a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that’s what.” -@Funnymantiefel
14 of 20
Alan Cox
Stand-Up Comedy/Pinterest
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.” - Alan Cox
15 of 20
Phyllis Diller
Bettmann/Getty Images
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” - Phyllis Diller
16 of 20
Judd Apatow
Kris Connor/Getty Images
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” -Judd Apatow
17 of 20
Conan O’Brien
John Sciulli/Getty Images
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” -Conan O’Brien
18 of 20
Will Ferrell
Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images
“I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, ‘Upstairs now!’ ‘Brush teeth!’ ‘Lights out!’ There is so much chaos you can’t really take the time to articulate.” - Will Ferrell
19 of 20
Chris Rock
Ethan Miller/Getty Images
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.” - Chris Rock
20 of 20
David Letterman
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“I’m too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it’s just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I’m sure that will pass.” - David Letterman
Parenting truly is the toughest job you’ll ever love, and it’s definitely easier to get through those rough patches when you’re armed with a good sense of humor! The following comedians have been there, done that, and they’ve got the jokes to prove it! Check out 20 funny parenting quotes from famous stand ups and a few up-and-comers you may not have heard of (yet!).
01 of 20
Jerry Seinfeld
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont’ have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
02 of 20
Jim Gaffigan
matriciu/Imgur
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” - Jim Gaffigan
03 of 20
Jr. Williams
jrstandsup/Reddit
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.” - Jr.Williams
04 of 20
Louis CK
Huffpost
“If you’re with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can’t go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fking ahole.” - Louis CK
05 of 20
Ray Romano
Rich Polk/Getty Images
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” - Ray Romano
06 of 20
Nathan Timmel
ntimmel/Reddit
“My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.
She’s about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she’ll be my little Rain Man.” - Nathan Timmel
07 of 20
Ari Fishbein
Fish93/Reddit
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons… like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’” - Ari Fishbein
08 of 20
Rita Rudner
Ethan Miller/Rita Rudner
“I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” - Rita Rudner
09 of 20
Keith Alberstadt
Keith Alby/Reddit
“I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest. It’s my favorite.’ ‘This one was the result of a long night of drinking.’ ‘This one came out a little darker than I expected.’ And so on.” - Keith Alberstadt
10 of 20
Nate Smith
radstore/Reddit
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” - Nate Smith
11 of 20
Steve Ryan
MotherFratellisLabia/Reddit
“I’m totally ’that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” - Steve Ryan
12 of 20
Samantha Ruddy
samantharuddy/Reddit
“If I ever have kids I’m going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I’ll be like, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’ and then I’ll make them watch Bambi.” -Samantha Ruddy
13 of 20
@Funnymantiefel
loki2002/Reddit
“Here’s a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that’s what.” -@Funnymantiefel
14 of 20
Alan Cox
Stand-Up Comedy/Pinterest
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.” - Alan Cox
15 of 20
Phyllis Diller
Bettmann/Getty Images
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” - Phyllis Diller
16 of 20
Judd Apatow
Kris Connor/Getty Images
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” -Judd Apatow
17 of 20
Conan O’Brien
John Sciulli/Getty Images
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” -Conan O’Brien
18 of 20
Will Ferrell
Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images
“I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, ‘Upstairs now!’ ‘Brush teeth!’ ‘Lights out!’ There is so much chaos you can’t really take the time to articulate.” - Will Ferrell
19 of 20
Chris Rock
Ethan Miller/Getty Images
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.” - Chris Rock
20 of 20
David Letterman
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“I’m too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it’s just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I’m sure that will pass.” - David Letterman
Parenting truly is the toughest job you’ll ever love, and it’s definitely easier to get through those rough patches when you’re armed with a good sense of humor! The following comedians have been there, done that, and they’ve got the jokes to prove it! Check out 20 funny parenting quotes from famous stand ups and a few up-and-comers you may not have heard of (yet!).
01 of 20
Jerry Seinfeld
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont’ have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
02 of 20
Jim Gaffigan
matriciu/Imgur
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” - Jim Gaffigan
03 of 20
Jr. Williams
jrstandsup/Reddit
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.” - Jr.Williams
04 of 20
Louis CK
Huffpost
“If you’re with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can’t go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fking ahole.” - Louis CK
05 of 20
Ray Romano
Rich Polk/Getty Images
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” - Ray Romano
06 of 20
Nathan Timmel
ntimmel/Reddit
“My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.
She’s about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she’ll be my little Rain Man.” - Nathan Timmel
07 of 20
Ari Fishbein
Fish93/Reddit
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons… like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’” - Ari Fishbein
08 of 20
Rita Rudner
Ethan Miller/Rita Rudner
“I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” - Rita Rudner
09 of 20
Keith Alberstadt
Keith Alby/Reddit
“I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest. It’s my favorite.’ ‘This one was the result of a long night of drinking.’ ‘This one came out a little darker than I expected.’ And so on.” - Keith Alberstadt
10 of 20
Nate Smith
radstore/Reddit
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” - Nate Smith
11 of 20
Steve Ryan
MotherFratellisLabia/Reddit
“I’m totally ’that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” - Steve Ryan
12 of 20
Samantha Ruddy
samantharuddy/Reddit
“If I ever have kids I’m going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I’ll be like, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’ and then I’ll make them watch Bambi.” -Samantha Ruddy
13 of 20
@Funnymantiefel
loki2002/Reddit
“Here’s a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that’s what.” -@Funnymantiefel
14 of 20
Alan Cox
Stand-Up Comedy/Pinterest
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.” - Alan Cox
15 of 20
Phyllis Diller
Bettmann/Getty Images
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” - Phyllis Diller
16 of 20
Judd Apatow
Kris Connor/Getty Images
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” -Judd Apatow
17 of 20
Conan O’Brien
John Sciulli/Getty Images
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” -Conan O’Brien
18 of 20
Will Ferrell
Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images
“I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, ‘Upstairs now!’ ‘Brush teeth!’ ‘Lights out!’ There is so much chaos you can’t really take the time to articulate.” - Will Ferrell
19 of 20
Chris Rock
Ethan Miller/Getty Images
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.” - Chris Rock
20 of 20
David Letterman
Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
“I’m too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it’s just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I’m sure that will pass.” - David Letterman
01 of 20
Jerry Seinfeld
“Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you dont’ have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
01 of 20
01
of 20
02 of 20
Jim Gaffigan
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” - Jim Gaffigan
02 of 20
02
03 of 20
Jr. Williams
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.” - Jr.Williams
03 of 20
03
04 of 20
Louis CK
“If you’re with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can’t go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fking ahole.” - Louis CK
04 of 20
04
05 of 20
Ray Romano
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” - Ray Romano
05 of 20
05
06 of 20
Nathan Timmel
“My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.
06 of 20
06
She’s about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she’ll be my little Rain Man.” - Nathan Timmel
07 of 20
Ari Fishbein
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons… like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’” - Ari Fishbein
07 of 20
07
08 of 20
Rita Rudner
“I want to have kids by my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” - Rita Rudner
08 of 20
08
09 of 20
Keith Alberstadt
“I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest. It’s my favorite.’ ‘This one was the result of a long night of drinking.’ ‘This one came out a little darker than I expected.’ And so on.” - Keith Alberstadt
09 of 20
09
10 of 20
Nate Smith
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” - Nate Smith
10 of 20
10
11 of 20
Steve Ryan
“I’m totally ’that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” - Steve Ryan
11 of 20
11
12 of 20
Samantha Ruddy
“If I ever have kids I’m going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I’ll be like, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’ and then I’ll make them watch Bambi.” -Samantha Ruddy
12 of 20
12
13 of 20
@Funnymantiefel
“Here’s a little advice for parents: You want your kids to fight and not get along. You know what you get when they work together? The Menendez brothers, that’s what.” -@Funnymantiefel
13 of 20
13
14 of 20
Alan Cox
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.” - Alan Cox
14 of 20
14
15 of 20
Phyllis Diller
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” - Phyllis Diller
15 of 20
15
16 of 20
Judd Apatow
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” -Judd Apatow
16 of 20
16
17 of 20
Conan O’Brien
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” -Conan O’Brien
17 of 20
17
18 of 20
Will Ferrell
“I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, ‘Upstairs now!’ ‘Brush teeth!’ ‘Lights out!’ There is so much chaos you can’t really take the time to articulate.” - Will Ferrell
18 of 20
18
19 of 20
Chris Rock
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.” - Chris Rock
19 of 20
19
20 of 20
David Letterman
“I’m too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it’s just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I’m sure that will pass.” - David Letterman
20 of 20
20
